A Dummies Guide to Dating Like a Porteño

Ladies and Gentlemen (Damas y Caballeros):

Thankfully my work schedule has allowed me loads of free time to observe the city and the culture down here. If anyone has been considering visiting, I would thoroughly recommend it. The city has something magnetic about it; I believe it's one part "la-la-land" to two parts Fernet (the local alcoholic specialty).

If you find yourself sitting at home in the States, wishing you could find an exotic lover, then Buenos Aires is the city for you. It is the Paris of the Southern Hemisphere, the City of Romance (or at least the city of perpetual flings). It took a little searching and a new apartment, but I have found that the men and women of Argentina are extremely attractive. They really are quite captivating; it could be the soft way they speak, or the warmth in their smiles, but what appears to drive all the ladies (and men) wild, is their aloofness.

For all those who are interested in dating an Argentinean, I have compiled a list for both men and women. Please feel free to print off a pocket sized copy to bring with you during your stay.

Men, follow this easy guide to land yourself a Porteña (applicable for all ages):

1. Grab a group of your best mates and head to the local Kiosko.

2. Purchase individual Quilmes (don't forget your empties for the 1 peso deposit, alcoholics aren't immune to this recession).

3. Drink and wait. Designate one person to be the "sniper" on constant lookout.

4. Once a female is spotted, the sniper must immediately notify the group.

5. This next step is very important: quickly glance at the upcoming female making sure not to spend too much time on the face. Focus your energy on the body and most importantly the backside.

6. Consecutively shout out various phrases from our vocabulary list:

a. Que hermosa! or Que linda! (either gets your point across)

b.Puedo morirme un hombre feliz (I can die a happy man).

c. Te quiero.

d. If all these have been used, a whistle or a "hey baby" will suffice.

7. Sit back and watch the ladies swoon.

8. Consider switching locals if they aren't biting.

("Hola, me llamo Laura y yo soy una extranjera")

Now for all my extranjeras; landing an Argie is about as easy as tying your shoes. Here is my advice for getting your Mr. Right (or Mr. Right-Now, whatever your please):

1. Leave those heels at home. There is nothing sexy about teetering on stilts while walking down a cobblestone sidewalk.

2. Keep makeup fresh and light and ditch the fake-n-bake; men want natural.

3. To maximize attention, wear your hair in pigtails; this is from personal experience, drives the men loco!

4. Brush up on your Spanish vocab, for example: "Ay papi" and a simple "mas" will do the trick; it's not like the men are looking to converse with you.

5. Smile a lot and bat your perfectly curled lashes and you'll be in like flynn.

It's a simple cat and mouse game; learn the rules and play the game properly. And if you get a visit to a Telo (rent by the hour hotel room) out of it, you'll know that your efforts have paid off. That, ladies and gentlmen, is how to score yourself a certified Porteño/a.

(Ladies, another suggestion: befriend a female Argie (exhibit A) and have her teach you how to make empanadas. Going for the stomach is a universal tool to lure men.)